I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
It's rum buckets o'clock
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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