remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
