I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
cat food counts as protein by the way
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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