I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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