His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
