I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
