i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
