my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Randomize
