just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
