I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
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