i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
My penis needs a shock collar
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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