I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
This is classic penis vs brain.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
