My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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