Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
