peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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