Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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