I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
