Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
