I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
They are going to name an STD after you.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
