Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
