I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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