I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
