I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
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That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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