he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
