i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
