if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
