my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
