Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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