ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize