he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
