i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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