And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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