He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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