By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
