community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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