I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
