my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
