this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
