Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
my shit smells like andre
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
