i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
