If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
