I accidentally burped into my bong.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
