So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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