Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Randomize
