maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
