did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize