What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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