So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
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