You're so nebulous sometimes
i was born a porn star she said
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
