i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I have already put on my inside pants.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize