Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
