I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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