My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
